Parenting and the Power of Words

by Isra Mohammed

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me. “

This old adage, although used by our parents’ and grandparents’ generations to teach children to be resilient against insults, is one of the most misleading and untruthful comparisons one could make between physical and verbal maltreatment.  Likewise, bullying, whether in person or cyber-bullying and whether physical or verbal, is a real issue for our children today. Unfortunately, while we may aim to prepare and protect our children from the bullies in the outside world, we can overlook that it may be happening right in front of our eyes with the words falling from our own lips. When we think of child abuse, we often think of physical violence and aggression; however, emotional and verbal abuse can be just as damaging to a child.

Parental motivation should never consist of insults, degradation, or negative reinforcement. For example, referring to our children as fat or scrawny, calling them stupid or dumb, telling our boys they are “acting like girls” (as though that should be an insult), describing them as various types of animals (cow, elephant, dog, etc), and constantly referring to them as failures, losers, or wimps will inevitably cause them to believe in these words.  There have been many studies done which detail the long-term and lasting effects of verbal and psychological abuse inflicted on children by their parents.

The words we use towards our children –whether how we call out to them when we are happy or angry, or the words we use to describe them to others– will linger in the minds of our children long after they are spoken aloud. Coming from parents, those words can either build our children up or encase them in darkness. There are many people who believe in the utmost importance of choosing a name for your child because he or she will live up to the name, whether good or bad. The same can be said of the words we speak to our children; they become self-fulfilling prophecies, whether constructive or destructive.

Our children grow up looking to us for answers to their questions, motivation, love, and affection. They look to us to be their guide and help navigate them through this increasingly confusing and complicated life. Eventually they will learn to tune out the insults or humiliation by tuning us out altogether. So while you may have words of love, wisdom, and guidance for your child, they will fall on deaf ears if all they anticipate hearing are affronts to their psyche.

In Surat Hujarat, Ayah 11, Allah (swt) states:

“O you who have believed, let not a people ridicule [another] people; perhaps they may be better than them; nor let women ridicule [other] women; perhaps they may be better than them. And do not insult one another and do not call each other by [offensive] nicknames.”

Our speech falls under our manners which is a part of our iman (faith). No one is exempt from practicing good manners and speech, and, similarly, no one is excluded from receiving them. Allah has given all of us rights and responsibilities towards one another. If our neighbors and guests in our homes have explicit and detailed claims upon us, imagine the rights that our children and families have.

While we would never imagine calling out to our coworkers or our bosses as ‘dog’ or remark that they were on the path to failure or prison as a way of motivation to get back to work, a lot of parents use these statements with their children, forgetting that the needs of our kids are much like the needs of adults. We must remember that our children will grow into adulthood whether with terms of endearment or with ridicule.  The difference will be in their view of their parents and in their interactions with and treatment of others.

Children are a blessing and a reflection of us both in this life and the next. The actions and words we use to raise them should be deserving of this responsibility.

The Prophet (pbuh) said,

“He is not of us (the one) who does not have mercy on our young children, nor honor our elderly.” [Tirmidhi]